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Just an FYI: the world ended last Saturday

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Graphic by: Kennedy Homan

Last Wednesday in gym class I was informed by a friend that the world was going to end on Saturday. Intrigued, I saw the only responsible course of action. I pitched the story to my editors, and for some odd reason they approved it to be published the following Monday. I’m still not sure why they let me write on this website.

Anyways, here we go.

Unsealed News, a Christian News network dedicated to tracking biblical prophecies, has predicted that the end of the world would begin last Saturday. Or, maybe not. The site offers a disclaimer: “We do not know for sure the exact day or hour of those events and they might happen many weeks or months after the sign.”

Accompanying the warning is a letter addressed to those of us ‘left behind’ by the Rapture, with explicit instructions on how to react. “ If you have discovered that millions of people are missing and that babies and children have vanished, you know what we are saying is true.” You have to hand it to them: there is no better way to establish ethos than with the actual Rapture.

On Saturday, Sept 23, the constellations Virgo and Leo aligned, and Jupiter finished its nine-month journey through the top of Virgo to its feet. According to Unsealed news, these are all symbols of the Rapture. The woman Virgo gave birth to Jupiter through her feet (with an awful lot of willpower involved, I’d imagine), and before the dragon Leo could eat it, God snatched up baby Christ and initiated judgment day.

Unsealed News offers multiple other countdown clocks to major astronomical events coupled with verses from the book of Revelations, as well as an invariably conspicuous Donation button.

If you would like to know more about the previous weekend’s symbol of impending doom, check out the many articles on Unsealed.org yourself. From “Where is the dragon?” to “The Celestial C-Section,” excellent journalism abounds. Alas, if this article has been published, the end of days has at the very least been delayed, or we’ve all been left behind. So let’s explore how it might happen.

David Meade, supposed numerologist, supposed college graduate, but for-sure author has written several books about the degradation of modern society. Among these was “The Coup D’etat Against President Donald J. Trump,”  in which he details the so-called Unelected Shadow Government and their attempts to overthrow POTUS. One of his most recent novels, “Planet X: The 2017 Arrival” explains how the world was going to end Saturday morning.

It takes a certain chutzpah to write eleven books commonly dismissed as worthless trash, then decide the world deserves your opinion on the apocalypse.

Planet X (also known as Nibiru) is a large planet that, apparently, is on a collision course with the Earth. The name ‘Nibiru’ comes from ancient astronaut theorist Zecharia Sitchin and his interpretation of Babylonian texts. Sitchin believes a planet, home to many highly advanced aliens, nears Earth’s orbit every few thousand years. These sentient inhabitants, the Annunaki, made contact with the Babylonians, and will soon make contact with us. Please note at this time that Sitchin has made no claims that Nibiru will be the catalyst of the end times.

After all, that would be ridiculous.

Seeing as you are currently reading this article, chances are that the end of days did not, in fact, come. Well, will it? If you believe NASA, Nibiru is an “internet hoax.” If you believe the sources of those internet hoaxes, the apocalypse will soon be upon us.

Robyn Flynn, a broadcaster for a Montreal-based radio show, asked Meade last Tuesday for an interview. He declined, saying he was not available until the following week.

4 Comments

4 Responses to “Just an FYI: the world ended last Saturday”

  1. red on September 25th, 2017 7:28 am

    they always say the world’s going to end literally every other year
    nobody believes them by this point

    [Reply]

  2. ??? on September 25th, 2017 9:18 am

    I read the whole article and still don’t get it can someone sum it up please?

    [Reply]

  3. Woo oo on September 25th, 2017 9:33 am

    Good thing the world did not end Saturday otherwise I would have missed the reboot of Ducktales.

    [Reply]

  4. Dheeraj Peddinti on September 26th, 2017 1:24 pm

    This is all a conspiracy.

    [Reply]

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Just an FYI: the world ended last Saturday